Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
