Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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