New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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