Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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