god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
