you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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