Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
