Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize