Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
