i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You left your phone here
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