I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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