My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
