i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
