LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
