do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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