True but thats because hes a fetus.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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