I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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