I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
