if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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