When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
