I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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