I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
