masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
