i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
