Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
