I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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