you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
