My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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