Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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