this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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