if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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