oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
