Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
