im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
