i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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