Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Oh god it's open bar.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
