It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize