People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
