Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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