I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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