Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
