I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
