peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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