Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
someone owes me an orgasm
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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