I cannot find my penis.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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