Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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