I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
