I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
