please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize