If that was your dad, he is hot
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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