also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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