just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
