So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
