whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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