I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
