I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize