I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
