mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
